In the Catholic world, you hear a lot about carrying your cross. Offering things up. Approaching suffering in a way that allows it to be redemptive. But what does this mean, actually? I’ve been chewing on this a bit more than usual lately due to being pretty sure that whatever it is, I’m not crushing it lately.
A few years into migraine getting in the way of my plans to be a normal college student, without really knowing what else to do, I eventually found myself embracing life looking different for a while. I (imperfectly) began to turn to Heaven and coming to know Jesus more over keeping up with all the normal college student things. This led to so much beauty and totally carried me through my twenties.
Then enter: becoming old. I’ve learned so much since the early college days. In uncovering essentially an autoimmune response in the way my body functions and learning what seems to heighten that response. In knowing my biggest food triggers and medications that are helpful to me. In regaining so much muscle strength. In diving into learning all that can be learned about the mind-body connection. Mindfulness. Gut health. Supplements. I’ve gained so much from exploring all of it,
However, I haven’t figured out how to not be in pain, & my pride has seemed more determined than ever to pretend that’s the case these days.
In my case, this leads to a lot of pushing. Less avoiding triggers and more having a beer with friends for the sake of feeling normal. More desire to push back when those closest to me make sure I have solid sleep options and enough food I can eat and are just so generously considerate when we are adventuring. Joining my soccer team when I know the humidity that day will kill me (k, honestly, usually that’s still fun 🙂 ). A lot more saying yes- which I am truly all about still doing while in pain for the right reasons–but if only for the sake of proving something I probably really wouldn’t recommend.
So. Carry your cross (or crosses). Hm. When it comes to my own, as far as a formula for how often to spend working vs. praying vs. people vs. rest looks like carrying things as they should be carried–I got nothing. Despite my own experiences of life and pain management programs and actually working as a therapist for clients with chronic pain, it’s clear that the only conviction I keep uncovering is one that I know can be truly rather frustrating: constantly saying no, out of fear of the weight something might add to what we’re carrying, is not the way. Saying ‘yes’ to everything without considering how it will affect us, is most definitely not it either. As far as what is? Maybe Jesus has some ideas.
According to His cross, “taking it up” to follow God more, most definitely doesn’t mean neglecting it or ignoring the impact our broken world has had on our story. It doesn’t mean pretending that it’s easy or that we don’t have any weaknesses (ouch). It definitely doesn’t mean letting fear be in the driver’s seat. It definitely doesn’t mean it hinders love.
Carrie in her 30’s can be a lot more stubborn than Carrie in her 20’s. But she also knows it’s true. That every time she embraces the reality of God working through weakness, it seems pain does have a way of shifting to the background. Not because we are denying it, but because there’s too much beauty going on.
So. Maybe it means that we sit in it. In all the ways this world has hurt us. In all the ways we feel like life has let us down. In all the ways we feel like failures. While also not letting go of a real strong confidence that God is always leading us to life. And letting that hope lead.
Carrie in her 30’s can be a lot more stubborn than Carrie in her 20’s. But she also knows it’s true. That whenever she embraces God working through weakness, pain does seem to have a way of taking a back seat. Not because we are denying it, but because there’s too much beauty going on.
So. Here’s to embracing that. Even when we’re getting old.
*Matthew 16:24-26
